After The Affair...

Approximately two weeks ago, I met another woman.

I knew she was around. We'd flirted with each other before. A few years ago, I slept with her ugly sister*, but nothing really came from it. I mean, why not? Everyone else had. And everyone else had slept with this other woman too. "You should try this," people said, "It's addictive." they would say, with the same resignation of a weathered junkie. And I held off for a long, long time.

But then it was Christmas. And I was bored. I had a little free time all to myself and I brazenly walked up to this new woman, Facebook, and said, "So, what's all the buzz about, lady?"

And so she showed me...

I was avalanched under by friend requests from people I haven't seen in years.
Guys I barely knew in high school!
Girls that I lusted after in choir class!
People I worked fast food jobs with, before college!
College people I did drugs with!
Married! Unmarried!
Almost All Of Them, With Kids!
All of them asking the same question, "Where have you been these past ten or fifteen years?!?"

I made connections with people I genuinely did miss.
I made new friendships with high school guys that I didn't know very well at all, but who remembered me fondly.
I scrolled through gallery after gallery of Pretty Girls From High School, Holding Their Babies and I was struck by how consistent that is. The urge to procreate is a strong one, I guess. Or maybe the urge to have sex without birth control (because condoms remove sensation and/or birth control pills fuck a girl's chemistry up or just-this-once, baby, I promise to pull out) is just too strong too. And Wham Bam, Thank You Maam - There is a baby. Lots of babies. The Pretty Girls Curse.

Beyond all of that. Beyond the pointless chit-chatting and the "Hey, Have you Heard From This Obscure Person?" there were also the games and applications. On Facebook, I am a tough mafia guy, with a vast criminal empire. I also can trade Monty Python bits with buddies. I can also trade Old School Star Wars Action Figures with other grown men. I also have a "Shaun Of The Dead" random quote generator and I also have a new means to promote all of my upcoming shows. The perfect mix of fuckery and productivity. This little lady had it all.

And of course, I threw myself into the affair with an obsessive fervor. I got less actual work done. I "worked late" when I didn't have to... playing around on Facebook. I delayed working on my own shows. I spent an inordinate amount of time, at home, in my computer office. My DVR slowly piled up unwatched episodes of "Destroyed In Seconds" and "Extreme Home Makeover" that I have yet to watch. Laundry has not been done. My room is in desperate need of cleaning. Real life has been put on hold, for me to roll around in this affair. This regrettable dalliance.

Worst of all, I've neglected you, my blog. I knew that this was going to happen. When people asked me why I wasn't on FB, (Good Christ! I'm using Facebook jargon!) I would tell them, "Well, I don't want to have two different web presences to maintain. I put a lot of time and attention into my blog. That's where I want my focus to be." Which sounded perfectly rational to me, but to the wizened Facebook-savvy crowd, probably sounded like my admitting that I was afraid of the new technology. Truth be told, I meant what I said. If I joined Facebook, I would stop blogging. And I would lose the tiny, tiny readership that I enjoyed. Who continues to check blogs that aren't regularly updated?

And that's what happened. I joined Facebook. I stopped blogging. (And doing everything else.) I admit it. I got caught up in the whirlwind of online activity and I'm just now coming off of the crazy internets bender that I've been on.

Baby, I'm back. Here, I brought this jpeg of a bouqet of flowers for you. They're the prettiest flowers I could find in a Google search for "pretty flowers". This jpeg of "pretty flowers" is my way of saying to you, I'm sorry I've been neglectful. We've been together since 2006 or 2007 (Oh God, I've forgotten our anniversary, haven't I?) and we've had some good times and some bad times. And I took you for granted and I strayed, yes I strayed, and I want you to take me back.

Let's tell stories and lies to strangers again.
Let's capture my childhood memories and post them here again.
Let's tell sad tales of my break-ups, only from my perspective, and make my exes sound like crazy people again.
Let's post interesting of vaguely dirty news stories here again.

I can't say that I'm going to leave Facebook altogether. I have to know when people change their relationship status, the minute it happens. And I need to be able to promote my shows electronically to people in other states. But I promise to better balance my electronic doodling time, with the careful, thoughtful posts on my blog. I know where my focus is, baby. And you'll never go two weeks without updates again (except Christmas, but then those are the holidays, so that's to be expected). Our future is a bright menage a trois, with you, me and Facebook, happily co-existing together.

I know it sounds a little dirty and this might be too soon to ask, but would ou consider putting up a link to my Facebook profile? The idea of you two linking together... well, that's just Hot, baby. I'm not saying, do it, I'm just saying, think about it...

Cheers,
Mr.B

(* the ugly sister is, of course, MySpace.)